A Word From Pastor Mike
A Word From Pastor Mike
By Julie Ostrand
An interview with Pastor Mike of Emmanuel Fellowship (Omaha, Nebraska)
Pastor Mike Harris, with over 25 years of experience, has helped many couples with premarital counseling and has officiated dozens of weddings in the area.
Heartland Bride (HB): Pastor Mike, what are your thoughts on the role of the church as couples prepare to get married?
Pastor Mike (PM): I think when a couple is getting married in a church, regardless of their involvement with that fellowship, they should really consider going through the premarital process that church offers. Many churches cover a wide variety of topics that are extremely helpful for both men and women.
HB: What type of feedback have you received from couples you have counseled?
PM: A lot of young couples may not completely relate to all that is discussed during counseling, but after being married we’ve had many of these couples return to us and say, “You were right. We didn’t believe it at the time, but the things you taught us were exactly what we needed.”
HB: What sort of topics do you cover in counseling?
PM: One basic thing, that seems obvious, is that men and women “hear” differently. Let me give you an example. When you say, “I don’t have anything to wear” – what do you really mean?
HB: As a woman, I mean I don’t have anything new to wear!
PM: Exactly! And when a guy says “I don’t have anything to wear” he means he doesn’t have anything clean to wear.
HB: That is so true!
PM: And so we need to learn to really hear what the other person is saying. When he hears her say she doesn’t have anything to wear, he’s tempted to say, “Sure you do…you have a whole closet full of clothes. Go get something!” And of course an argument would ensue. It can be very helpful for couples to just sit down together over the course of six or seven sessions with us and talk about communication, along with how to resolve conflict.
HB: What do you discuss regarding conflict resolution?
PM: During a conflict, most of us start calling names or go into “attack mode,” without really dealing with the issue. The key is to resolve each and every conflict. If you don’t, it will come back. It may not resurface for several months or even a year, but it will come back. And when it does, it usually catches one of the parties off guard and they will wonder where in the world that came from.
HB: Do you see patterns with how men and women resolve conflict differently?
PM: Guys tend to want “peace at any price.” They’ll be quiet and “stuff it,” while the woman is dealing with her emotions and thinking that he doesn’t care enough to talk about it. We work to help couples process their thoughts and talk through them with each other.
HB: What other issues do you think are essential?
PM: Finances are a big deal. It’s important to ask, “What type of debt load is coming into the marriage? Is it credit card debt? Is it school debt?” These are very different kinds of debt. It’s also imperative to evaluate expectations.
HB: Yes, I can see how finances and expectations would play an important role!
PM: We all go into marriage with expectations, whether we recognize it or not. I once asked a bride-to-be, “Do you expect your husband to take care of repairs around the house?” And she said, “Absolutely! My dad did that.” And he replied, “Wait a minute…I don’t do that kind of stuff.” Right there they realized they had not talked about these types of expectations yet.
HB: That makes sense. And what types of expectations do you see that men often have of women?
PM: Well, that’s always interesting. Many times their expectations are influenced by their mother and even though it’s wrong, they may think that because their mother handled all of the household items, their working wife should have the same responsibilities. However, the key is not to tell couples these things, but to help them discover it for themselves.
HB: I’m sure self-discovery has a much better result. Now help me understand the role of the church beyond the premarital counseling, during the actual wedding.
PM: It varies from church to church and each one has their own policies. Sometimes couples are surprised when there are charges, but you usually have to bring in a maintenance person to open the building and he or she can work up to four to six hours. Also, someone typically will help coordinate the ceremony and explain the usage of rooms to the bridal party. In addition, of course, the officiator puts in quite a bit time with the counseling, preparing words for the wedding and actually performing the ceremony.
HB: And what fees do you charge for this?
PM: I tell couples to just give whatever is laid on their heart, but typically people give me $150.
HB: That doesn’t seem like very much for the time involved.
PM: No, I guess it’s not, but I think most pastors see this as a ministry to their congregation.
HB: Obviously you’ve performed quite a few weddings. What tips do you have for our readers?
PM: The trend of the day is for couples to write their own vows. Many times these are not actually “vows,” but rather accolades to each other. I would suggest giving the pastor the flexibility to make suggestions for this. However, a great source for those who would like to write their vows is the “resources” section on www.foreverwed.com.
HB: That sounds like a good web site for brides to review. Do you have any suggestions for things to avoid during the ceremony?
PM: It’s important the photographer is not distracting the audience with flash photography and a lot of movement. The focus should really be on the bride and groom.
HB: You bring up a good point. Have you seen any creative ideas incorporated into the ceremony that worked well?
PM: I have seen some very creative things over the years, but the one I appreciated the most was a wedding that was the second marriage for the woman and the first for the man. In the middle of the service during the ring exchange, he stopped and said, “I have something for each of your children, because my commitment is to them as well.” I thought that was a very exciting approach!
HB: Anything else you feel works well?
PM: I think it’s great if you can keep it light and bring humor into it. At a recent wedding, one of the groomsmen did a quick square dance with a bridesmaid as they were walking out, and the crowd enjoyed it quite a bit.
HB: That sounds like fun! Now, we’ve talked about preparing for marriage and the wedding itself. What advice do you have for “life after the wedding?”
PM: I would encourage every couple to read a book on the physical side of marriage. Intimacy is so misconstrued in the media and can cause much stress and frustration. The book I recommend is Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. It’s a terrific book and presents some great insight.
HB: What else do you think is important to remember?
PM: The hardest thing for couples to deal with is the disappointments, and these always stem from broken expectations. The things that are “cute” when you’re dating are often the things that become aggravating when you’re married. You want to change those things about the other person, but these are the very idiosyncrasies that attracted you to them in the first place.
HB: How do you suggest couples handle that?
PM: The exciting thing is that you do not want to grow in such a way that other person is not needed because you are so much alike. You still want to maintain your uniqueness. My wife and I have been married for 36 years, and it gets better all the time because we constantly try to find new ways to encourage one another.
HB: I’m sure that would make a big difference! How would you sum up a great marriage?
PM: I tell this to every couple we counsel: Marriage is 100% giving…it’s not a 50% - 50% deal. If you go into it thinking each person should give 50%, I guarantee it will fail.
HB: Do you have any thoughts from the scriptures that would be helpful for couples?
PM: For men, they need to remember that the most important thing they can do for their wives is love them unconditionally. In the Bible, Ephesians 5:22-28 tells husbands to express this by nurturing and cherishing their wives. This can be difficult for men, because they think of nurturing as a woman’s role. What nurturing really means is that you do everything you can to help the other person succeed. Men also struggle with cherishing because they tend to be “rougher.” The best way I know how to describe it, is that next to the Lord, our wives are the most important thing. They need to know they are treasured. I’ve come across very few women who really feel cherished, and that is exactly what they are looking for.
HB: And what should the women be doing?
PM: For guys, the number one thing they need is respect. That is huge! Ephesians 5 also talks about wives respecting their husbands. For wives, respect from their husband usually means he listens and values her opinion. But for a man, he feels respected when he knows his wife is his biggest fan…even if he makes a poor decision or a mistake. He needs to know it’s OK to fail.
HB: Any other suggestions for brides, as they are preparing for marriage?
PM: It’s very important for a bride to listen intently to his dreams and encourage him to step out in that. Couples will continually say to me after they’ve been married for a while, “We don’t communicate…we never talk.” And what usually happens is that at one point the man will share a dream or vision for his life, and their communication for the rest of their lives will depend on how she responds to that dream. If she laughs at him and tells him there is no way that is ever going to happen, he will immediately shut down the communication lines and it will progressively get worse over the years. At some point in time he may try again, and if she offers the same response, they may never share on a deeper level again. It’s so important that she encourages his dreams.
HB: I can see how support like that is so crucial! Thank you for helping us understand the role of premarital counseling, tips for the ceremony and ways to have a healthy marriage. We hope to hear more from you in the future!
SUGGESTED RESOURCES FOR COUPLES
Web Sites:
Ideas for vows: www.foreverwed.com
Books:
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan